One post at Blogging Baby really struck a chord with me today. Dutch wrote about the site of an anonymous artist, cesarean-art.com. The artist is a woman who has had two c-sections – the first being necessary, and the second mandatory and unwanted because her doctor would not let her try for a VBAC. No medical reasons – the doctors in the area simply didn’t support VBACs.
Curious, I clicked on the link to view more of her art. And I was floored. The intense images I was greeted with were both horrific and beautiful. I could feel her pain and anger coming through each drawing. Most of all, I sympathized with her.
It still amazes me that women would choose to have a c-section for a normal pregnancy. I’m not saying you don’t have the right – you have all the right in the world to choose your delivery, but personally I think someone who schedules a c-section for convenience is crazy.
Vaginal birth has been around forever, while c-sections are relatively new. Sure, there are cases where a vaginal birth is not possible, and then a c-section is medically necessary. After all, fewer women die in childbirth today thanks to the c-section. (And better sterile conditions, but that’s beside the point.) Cordelia was one of those medically necessary cases. She was a complete breech, making a successful vaginal delivery risky at best. For her safety, the C was the way to go.
But a c-section is major surgery. There are risks of clots, risks of infection, risks of bleeding out, and risks of pneumonia if the fluid in the baby’s lungs isn’t suctioned properly. The healing time is longer and more painful. You never realize how much you use your ab muscles until you have them sliced. Suddenly the most simple of movements – turning to the side, coughing, laughing – become major endeavors.
Many hospitals and doctors are ridding themselves of the option of a vaginal birth after a c-section (VBAC). There is a slightly higher risk of uterine rupture with a VBAC, which makes the VBAC about as risky as a c-section. But many doctors don’t like uncertainty – they like to have control of the situation, and a scheduled surgery is far more controlled than a naturally laboring woman, so they prefer to push for the c-section. Hospitals, knowing that vaginal births are far more unpredictable, don’t like the liability factor, and so they ban VBACs to keep their insurance down.
My heart goes out to this artist. She was not given a choice, and had to suffer through a repeat c-section because it was more convenient for others. As someone who has had one medically necessary c-section, the thought of being forbidden to have a VBAC terrifies me.
For those of you who have never experienced a c-section, let me describe my experience. First I was suited up in the hospital gown, and the IV was started. Then I was taken to the OR, alone. Aaron was not allowed to be in the room with me while I received my spinal. I was surrounded by a group of strangers, hidden behind masks and gowns, in a freezing cold room. Nothing about this said natural. Once the procedure started, Aaron was brought in. A drape blocked my view of anything past my breasts, and my arms were strapped down to boards to prevent any possible “outbursts”. I couldn’t even wipe the tears out of my eyes.
I had no idea what was going on. I’d occasionally ask, “Is she almost out?” and one of the mask-people would tell me no. Finally, they asked Aaron to stand up and look over the drape to see our daughter born. Even though I begged for them to take the drape down for me to see that moment, swearing that I had a strong stomach and grew up hanging out in a hospital and could handle anything, my request was refused. I did not get to see my daughter brought into this world. I heard her first cry, and caught a quick glimpse of her as they whisked her past me to a baby warmer positioned behind me, where I was unable to see her.
Aaron joined Cordy, and after several minutes she was wrapped up and brought to me. My arms were still strapped down, so I couldn’t touch her. And just as the reality of her presence was beginning to sink in, she was taken from me. “You’ll see her after the surgery!” the nurses told me as she was wheeled away. I told Aaron to go and be with her.
The remaining 30 minutes in the OR felt like an eternity. I was left alone, wondering how my daughter was doing, wondering if she knew how far away from me she was. Once the surgery was complete, I was wheeled to a recovery room, to sit and wait for the feeling in my legs to return.
My mom was there to sit with me, having already seen Cordy. Everyone had been able to look at her longer than me. And now I was stuck one entire floor away from her, unable to see her until I had full feeling in my legs. It was our first separation, and it was more than 3 hours until I would get to hold her for the first time. 3 long, lonely, languishing hours.
Others c-section stories vary, but from the many I’ve talked to, mine is fairly par for the course. We won’t even get into the pain I was in from the surgery. But while the memory of the pain has faded, the memory of being intentionally disconnected from my own childbirth, being kept from my little girl for so long, and the extreme feelings of sadness and anger I had for being deprived of the birth experience I wanted to have are still there. Some people say, “What are you complaining about, you still got a healthy child!” Yes, but we didn’t get the start I wanted.
Cordelia was a stubborn child, but a part of me still wonders if our breastfeeding relationship might have got off to the right start had we been together sooner. Maybe she wouldn’t have cried so much in the beginning had I been there those first 3 hours to show her that the world was a safe place, and not a cold harsh place full of poking, prodding hands.
I am thankful to this anonymous artist. She’s helped me deal with my own negative feelings surrounding my c-section. For those who have read this all so far, I say kudos to you for being such troopers. I know this is a sad and depressing post, but it feels so much better to finally express how I feel. I love my daughter more than anything, and I’m so grateful to have her, and I know that in my case a c-section was the best choice. I have these negative feelings and my scar, but they are a small price to pay to deliver Cordy safely.
But I also now know how hard I will fight for a VBAC when the time comes. Seeing the resistance others have faced, while remembering my first experience makes me even more determined to see it through. Barring any medical emergency, my next child will be a VBAC. I will participate in birthing my child, I will hold that child right after he/she is born, and I will not let anyone try to talk me out of it for their convenience.
I browsed through that this morning too!! Rips at your heart eh? I wish I was as creative as that though, to express my emotions in such a raw state!
Wow, those are powerful images. While I was lucky enough to have a vaginal delivery, it still wasn’t the start I wanted. Every time I’m in the gym, I use controlled breathing to lift weights and kick myself for holding my breath to push. I work in health care, so I understand “liability, but I think restricting VBACs for “liability” is pretty stupid.
I’m sorry you think negatively about those who opts to have birth by C-sect. I had two C-sects done for my children out of necessity, 1st one : the water in my waterbag was decreasing/leaking too fast (below normal) and 2nd one : breech. However, I believe it is one’s choice if they prefer to have C-sect birth for convenience sake. The way your hospital conducted the C-sect for you was terrible. I was never strapped down like you. My gynae and paed was always there to reassure me that everything was going smoothly & I had the opportunity to see & kiss my babies before they were whisk away. Recovery wise, the 1st week was painful but thereafter, I had no problem. Comparing with friends who went through natural birth, I personally feel recovery rate depends on individuals.
I do agree that one should have a choice instead of being forced to go through C-sect unless it’s medically necessary. At the same time,I feel it is unfair of you to label those who opt for C-sect for convenience as “Crazy”. I hope I have not offended you but I am merely sharing my opinion.
Those are some powerful images.
I am sorry you had such an awful experience. I feel that C-sections should not be offered as an option to VBAC when it is not medically necessary, too. You are right…it IS surgery. There are risks, not to mention the recovery is lengthly. Sometimes a woman who has a previous C-section cannot have a VCAB. It may be due to the incisional cut through the uterus (vertical vs. horizontal) and what not. There are a list of criteria but I am remiss to list them. Labor and Delivery nursing was a distant memory from nursing school!Anyway, I think that if it is a safe option for you, you should be able to deliver VCAB.
Chelle – Yeah, her art is so stunning – I’m impressed with her talent.
Anonymous – I’m going back to school to join the ranks of the nurses. I’m lucky that the hospital we go to still permits VBACs. They actually took part in a study showing that the liability excuse was just that: an excuse.
IMMomsDaughter – I welcome other opinions! I do believe c-sections are a wonderful thing when medically necessary (like yours and mine), but I guess I don’t understand why women would choose something that carries so many more risks just out of convenience. I got to see my daughter, and my husband held her up to me to give her a quick kiss before she was wisked away. So based on my experience of the situation, my opinion of convenience c-sections is that they’re crazy. But if a woman wants to do it, that’s her choice.
Domesticator – I remember during my c-section, asking the doctor several questions about my incision, making sure it was a horizontal incision so I would be able to have a VBAC.
Amy – I’m sorry you had to go through that as well. That sucks that you won’t have the chance for a VBAC due to fibroids. Is there any possibility for a VBAC?
I have a generally distaste for the medical profession when it comes to obgyn care. I feel as though it’s become the “business” of babies – very impersonal, quick to intervene. Etc…
I think midwifery is where it’s at when it comes to women’s health.
I totally understand the need for C-sections, however, I don’t think they should be taken as lightly as I think they are (sometimes by the women who get them, but mostly by the medical profession). Like you said, C, it’s major surgery.
I’m mesmerized by the art. It’s really really interesting to me.
Those images are powerful – as is your story. I can recall a time when I thought that C-section sounded like an easier option – and then a good friend of mine had three C-sections and I saw what the recovery was like for her. Another friend of mine had a VBAC homebirth. I don’t think I would have been willing to take that risk, but she wanted it and ended up having a really beautiful birth experience the second time around.
Thanks for sharing this post. You got me when you said you couldn’t even wipe the tears out of your eyes. I am so sorry for that and for the whole disconnectedness you experienced.
My good friend just recently had a VBAC (her first delivery so similar to yours). Her second was the delivery she always imagined. I hope yours is too.
Those pictures are horrific. I had a c-section with Benny, and if I were to have another child (NO not in the plan) I would go that way again any day 🙂
What a wonderful post! I feel the same exact way. I have 3 children, the 1st 2 were born natural no drugs, no IV no nothing. What a wonderful experience.
My last child I had to decide whether or not to have a c-section. Because he was at least 9 -10 lbs and due to the shouldre dystocia my 2nd child had, she was in fear for mine and the baby’s saftey. It took me 2 weeks to decide. After it was over I vowed I would never ever do that again and I could not understand how women could choose to do that.
I didnt get to see him or hold him until recovery, luckly he did latch on immediatly.
All woman should have the choice of what their birth should be & if your doctor doesnt agree, find another one!
I hope they let you have your VBAC. Em was breech too. They suggested turning her but it turns out I had a huge fibroid blocking her.
Having a section is a disconnected experience, that is an excellent way of describing it. Em had the “grunt” that indicated fluid in the lungs and so she was away from me a little longer. I remember not being able to see her at all.
This post really touched me. I’ll likely need another section due to my fibroids but I think it would be wonderful to have a “natural” birth.
Great discussion. Christina, your c-section experience sounds like it was very difficult.
I was fortunate to have two very good c-section experiences. The first came after 30 hours of pitocin-induced labor (at 41w5d) in which I made it to a whopping 3cm. I was exhausted and frightened, but my doctor and nurses were wonderful. And they brought Tacy to me right there in recovery where the nurse helped me get the hang of breastfeeding (I did get to see her immediately after she was born and Kyle stayed with her the entire time).
The second time, I will not deny that there was an element of convenience in my doctor’s and my decision to schedule a c-section. She specialized in high-risk pregnancies, and while every other aspect of both my pregnancies was normal, L&D was not. But that second c-section was even better. Calm and unhurried, I felt completely secure and was even giggling at the anesthesiologist’s jokes as my doctor was performing the surgery. Again, I saw CJ right away and breastfed her in recovery.
I do have one major complaint about the baby business, and that is when the L&D nurse told me – at hour 6 of labor – that I would end up with a c-section. I did not believe her, and I resented her for saying that. Granted, she has seen many patients come and go, but it made me all the more determined to avoid the c-section (for all the good it did me).
Finally, I was fortunate to have easy recoveries from both surgeries. That frightened me most about both c-sections – how well I would be able to get around afterward. With Tacy, I walked home from the hospital (okay, it was four blocks away, but still…), and with CJ, it took a bit longer but I was walking both girls to the park within a couple weeks.
Christina, I’m sorry that I wrote a book here, but I felt compelled to weigh in with my story.
Christina, I am so sorry for the trauma (emotional and physical) that you had to go through. I used to think that C-sections would be easier than vaginal births until I talked to a few people who had C-sections and realized, like you said, that it truly is major surgery. I was very close to a c-section myself, which I feel was due to the doctors wanting to artificially speed me along by breaking my water, putting me on pitocin, etc. I was stalled for many hours without dialating and they were about 10 minutes from giving me a C-section when luckily, I progressed.
I think that often medical professionals do C-sections for convenience like you said and I think that is terrible.
Well, I hope that you get the VBAC and the childbirth experience that you want and deserve.
Great post and powerful images.
I’m sorry that your experience was so hard and negative for you. I had a V birth with Zoe and it was relatively easy, so I can’t imagine what it must have been like for you. I’m glad you have some solace in the art of that site, and whether it’s 3 months, years or decades, dealing with someone is always a good thing. Heres hoping that next time round it’s not quite so hard. I couldn’t imagine NOT having the memories if bringing Zoe into this world. They are as much a part of me now as my fingers!
My heart goes out to you and all the other C-section moms who didn’t choose it. I have an inkling of how you feel because Leah was born with the umbilical cord wrapped twice around her neck and she wasn’t breathing so I didn’t get to touch her or see her for those agonizing first few minutes. Not hearing her cry was so painful and worrisome. I can’t imagine how you must have felt not even having been able to see the tiny person YOU CREATED AND NOURISHED inside of YOU being born.
My C-sec horrified me and left me depressed and uphappy for months. I am sorry you felt that way too, but I feel for you. I wish people would realise the trauma of it. its not just surgery. its surgery that is painful and denies you the most natural experience on earth.
I’m sorry you had to experience this.
Although I do realize some c-sections are medically necessary, I dont think planned ones out of convenience should be allowed. The thought of having a c-section terrifies me.
The art is very interesting!
I was this close (fingers less than an inch apart) to needing to have a C-section and I was terrified of the prospect. Not out of fear of the procedure – although, that was a small part – but by the idea of missing out on the “natural” part of childbirth – the actual birthing process.
Slightly off topic… My heart goes out to you for not being able to hold Cordy for such a long time after her birth. I had a similar situation and I’ve often wondered if that contributed to out breastfeeding trials and, perhaps, to Chicky Baby’s colic. I know that may sound funny but I can’t stop thinking that maybe that played a part in our 4 months of hell.
I sincerely hope you are given the option of a VBAC.
Christina, thank you for posting this. I didn’t even know a hospital could ban VBAC?? That shocks me. I thought it was the mother’s choice? I’m definitely going to investigate my local hospital. I was lucky enough to have a safe vaginal delivery, but the C-section loomed because of my pre-eclampsia.
I hope you get to have the VBAC when you have your next child. 🙂
Those were amazing. You can really feel her emotions.
Thank you for this. I think that c-sections are still a big unknown for many women, and what with some of the glamification that comes with stories of celebrity c-sections and women being ‘too posh to push,’ it’s easy to forget that it’s major surgery.
This was a moving account, and moving testimony to the fact that our birth experiences (as mothers) shape our initial experiences of motherhood. Powerful stuff.
I’m so sorry that things didn’t turn out the way you hoped with Cordy. I hope you choose a different OB for the next birth so you might be able to have a VBAC.
I am thankful that I did not need a c-section. It was mentioned once during labor, when Aveline’s heartrate deccelerated with each contraction. I let my OB know that was a last resort. She respected my wishes and everything turned out just fine.
Out of my group of nine friends whom have had babies during the last 18 months, five had sections….that is more than half. Two of them, I believe, the OB pushed for to prevent any questionable lawsuits. I know malpractice insurance for OB/GYN’s is outrageous right now, and they are doing everything they can to reduce their risks to stay in business.
I’m with you concerning people who schedule their c-sections out of convenience or vanity. Drives me fricking nuts. Labor is one of the few things left to mystery. These days, I can find out the sex of my unborn child, see 3-D and 4-D imagery if I choose, but I don’t know when her birthday will be. I like the mystery.
I’m late to the party here but also wanted to thank you for this post. I had a C with my first (after 40+ hours of unproductive labor) and very much wanted to VBAC my second. My doctor was very supportive but almost no one else was. I got a lot of “why would you want to do THAT?!” In the end I couldn’t (my son’s umbilical cord was around his neck and labor stalled at 7 cm) but it meant a lot to me that I had tried. I have two friends who had successful VBACs (one of them has done it 2x, actually) and they were thrilled to have done it. I hope you can too!
I too am captivated by this art, also having the C after 20 hours of induced labor.I found the whole process so shocking and surreal. My son was stuck (big head) in my pelvis and I’m afraid it will happen again. It’s a tough thing to get past when you are already on a “how did I get here” trip.. I understand exactly where you are coming from..
“But we didn’t get the start I wanted.” I’ve said it so so many times. This post was hard for me to read. It brought a lot back from what happened 14 months ago, tears streaming just a few sentences in to your description of what happened to you, but I am so glad I found this recount of your surgery. I can relate to it so much. I had an emergency C-section after 4 days of labor, so it’s not quite the same because honestly, by the time it happened the deatails were somewhat foggy. And Sam had to be rushed away to the ICU, so our separation was not due to simple “procedure.” But the disappointment I felt afterward, longing to be with him for hours, wondering if those first months would not have been so hard for him had I been able to give him a better birth, and the conviction that I will find the right doctor that will support a VBAC (we’ve moved so I need to find a new doctor, unfortunately – my doctor let me go a lot longer than most would have because she knew it was important to me to have a natural birth)- I still feel them all.
Reading your post, like that woman’s art for you, has helped me deal with some of those negative feelings. I’ve avoided writing about it on my blog because I felt it was just too much for me, but the time has come perhaps. Maybe soon, maybe not. In any case, I know these feelings you’ve described. You’re not alone, and neither am I, so thank you for reminding me of that.
Christina, I was out of town when you wrote this. But it brought back so many memories. I had a wonderful (though long) vaginal birth with my son. My daughter, like Cordy, was complete breech–she in fact had not turned from that position since 16 weeks–so my OB wanted a C-section. I agreed, although I was concerned that the experience wouldn’t be as awe inpsiring as a vaginal. It wasn’t. It was completely horrible, in fact, and still–2 years later–I have a lot of bitterness and disapointment associated with her birth. In fact, the birth experienced colored my mood for the first several weeks of Vivian’s life, which were the worst weeks of my life. I feel so cheated, and feel that she was so cheated. Ugh.
Cesarean section has been described as early as the 1500s although there are questions about the credibility of the sources. Reliable reports of C-sections are available from the 1800s, when women actually survived the surgeries and lived to have more children.
I had a c-section with baby #1 because she was breech and could not turn as she was too settled into my pelvis.
My doctor does not want to perform a VBAC and after much discussion and due to the good surgery and recovery from baby #1, I’ve opted for a c-section to deliver baby #2.
It is a personal choice and that artist could have found another doctor to allow VBAC. I’m so sorry for anyone who’s had a bad experience, but I do not want to risk anything with my child in an attempt to VBAC, then end up with an emergency c-section. Every pregnancy is unpredictable.
Thank you for your balanced approach to such a delicate subject. I am choosing to have another c-section for this baby despite the fact that technically, there is no medical need for one. I had a true emergency c-section and was put out under a general anethesia for my first born. I didnt have the luxury of a spinal or being awake to hear a first cry. My baby died seven hours after being born. Needless to say, I have very strong negative feelings surrounding my birth experience. This time around, although this baby is not showing any indications of the same heart condition (my first baby didnt either until the autospy – even a fetal echo couldnt detect it) we arent taking any chances because my first labour was too fast and intense for my baby to cope through the contractions with a compromised heart.
I lost my second baby due to a miscarriage also.
It’s been a difficult decision for me this time around. I agree, c-sections arent pretty – but sometimes it’s not always medical necessity that warrants an elective c-section. Sometimes it’s a battle about choosing the lesser or two evils and at the end of the day, I just want this baby to survive.
I’m preparing for a natural VBAC sometime in April, and part of my preparation was to really delve into how I felt about my c-section. My son was breech, but I don’t know what kind, they never told me, they just wanted me to schedule to surgery. I scheduled it alone and in tears because I couldn’t get a hold of my husband. I felt guilty about scheduling it so soon, but I was told that it would make no difference. Turns out waiting until I went into labor would have guaranteed that my son was ready, but no one told me that either. I was so drugged that I didn’t see my son and I was trying to hold on long enough to hear him cry, before I gave myself permission to let he drugs take over. I tried to tell myself that “at least I have a healthy baby and at least I came out OK” but deep down I hurt at not being told everything I needed to know to make a good decision. So after really thinking, I changed practitioners last week at 33 weeks pregnant so I can have a CNM that will help me have the birth I want, even if I need to have a c-section, and not an OB that will pressure me into procedures. This artwork truly speaks to me.
My mother had me via “repeat cesarean” as she was done up the old-school way (up and down). I was taken from her by my father and soon-to-be stepmother when I was very young. I am still haunted by this, I feel the way I entered this world reverberates through my subconscious, and after carrying 4 babies, and birthing one, I can understand the ache and the pain a mother has losing her baby. And I can see how, in some cases, a cesarean could almost feel like losing one’s baby. I am terrified of having a cesarean, partly because I lost my mother, and mainly because my father and step mother blame the cesarean for her lack of interest in me. It’s very convoluted, and this artwork just brought up all my primal feelings, and fears, and sense of loss of my mother… *cries*
C-section for Breech is not “medically necessary.” The advanced planning of surgery for breech is c-section by choice. The risks of breech birth are balanced by the risks of c-section. The latter quadruples the risk of death for mother and triples the risk of death for baby, compared to normal vaginal birth– so, like breech, it is certainly “more risky” than head-down delivery.
Of course, finding a doctor with the training and capacity to deliver a breech baby… that’s another story. But the fact that doctors can’t be bothered to assist women with breech deliveries doesn’t make surgery for breech medically necessary. Have you ever read Ina May Gaskin?
I write this only because women spread so much misinformation to each other on childbirth… just passing along the false stories from the medical profession, e.g. “my c-section was medically necessary because the cord was around the baby’s neck.” We need to take responsibility for the truth.