A Mommy Story

Today, 30 years ago, I was born around 11am. Mom woke up around 6am, her water broke, and I was born 5 hours later. (Wish we could all have labors like that, eh?)

It was a very happy day for her, having had a miscarriage a year and a half before that day, and having given birth just 10.5 months prior to her first daughter who died days later. She knew upon seeing me that I was the child who would make it. Born on the summer solstice, already full of strength and spirit.

(I have to laugh, because I used to think that life ends at 30. I was convinced that life wasn’t worth living anymore once you reached 30. Now, I’m 30, and thinking maybe I was just a little wrong.)

Looking back over the past 30 years, I ask myself what I have learned thus far in my life. I mean, I’m now officially an adult – there’s no denying it. The boisterous childhood is long past, the conflicted teen years are becoming more fuzzy everyday, and now the soul-searching 20’s have gone as well. I am an adult. Surely I have picked up some wisdom to share from my 30 years.

Probably like most people, I’ve survived a lot. Nearly drowning at 6 years old because I thought I had enough air to dive to the bottom of a 10 foot pool, enough teasing and ostracism from other kids for being different that I wanted to kill myself at times, breaking my arm, narrowly escaping being kidnapped by a stranger, being molested by my elderly babysitter’s high school grandson, etc. (Strangely enough, the worst things that have happened to me were mostly before high school.) I’m a big believer in what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

I’ve also had some amazing experiences. College was probably one of the best experiences. It gave me the chance to get out of my small hick-town and really experience everything life has to offer. I joined a sorority, partied with the best of them, and started to find the real me. I stepped out of my comfort zone and spent a summer in England. By the end of that summer I didn’t want to come home. I lost what religion I had while at college and began to explore my spirituality as if through the eyes of a child. I swept all that I was out of me and opened myself up to new experiences.

Would I want to change one experience? Not really. Even the bad ones shaped who I am today by giving me strength. Even my evil high school boyfriend, who broke my heart and left me with a scar on my arm (long story), taught me about taking care of myself in a relationship.

There are many moments where I wish I could change how I reacted, though. I’ve had so many times in life where I hesitated, played it safe, or chose not to do something because I was scared. I let my own fears hold me back from experiences that probably would have been amazing. And there were also many times I did things I didn’t want to do, just to go with the crowd or please someone else.

It’s taken me 30 years to realize that I am a strong person, and always have been. Having Cordelia really helped me to understand this. Before her I only had to worry about myself, which meant I often let my own needs go and got walked on by everyone. But now she’s here, and I am one of her protectors. I am her advocate, and she depends on me. My maternal instinct has kicked in, and in doing so I am aware of just what I’m capable of. I am willing to stand up to others now.

So where am I at currently? 30 is a turning point, at least biologically. No longer is the body’s focus on growth and development. The body at 30 is beginning to shift to maintenance – to fight off the effects of time. Like before, my skin is still sensitive, but now the wrinkles are starting to peek through. My light blonde hair of childhood has changed to a light chestnut brown, and new grey hairs are appearing each day. I’m heavier than I want to be, and that upsets me, but I plan to do something about it.

Mentally, 30 is a turning point. It’s a chance to take stock of how far you’ve come, and to think about where you want to go. I’m now ready at this point in my life to start caring for me. Because if I’m going to be the rock of strength my daughter can turn to in need, I must care for myself so that I can be there for her. Plus, I’m done making decisions out of my own fears. I want to try new things, I want to make myself a priority. I can’t wait to go to Blogher 06, because it’s something I never would have done when I was 20 or 25. I still lack career goals, but I don’t care anymore. Linda Hirshman be damned, I’ve never been happier than I am now. I love being a mom.

I’m totally ready to take on at least another 30 years with that strength. And now my life is going to be lived for me and my family, and not for others who don’t even care about me. I’m especially fond of this song, from the musical Jane Eyre. (Yes, they made a musical of Jane Eyre. It was actually a good musical. Stop laughing.) The song reminds me of me as a child, and me today.

Let the world forsake me
let them do their worst
I will withstand it all
they will not break me.

And finally, one more song. This is the one that has inspired me lately.

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Have a great day everyone. The winner of the contest will be coming late today or tomorrow. You’ve still got until 2pm to get an entry in. (And thanks to those who have submitted entries already! I’ve got some tough choices to make!)