A Mommy Story

Right before Cordelia was born, my mom and I were talking about my childhood. She told me that to this day she still feels guilty for not giving me enough of her time. After the divorce, she was a single mom, with an associates degree in laboratory technology, trying to make a living for herself and her child. She worked long hours and bad shifts (3-11pm), waiting for the day she would have more seniority and could ask for better hours.

Her advice, from one mother to her daughter, was to always take sick time to be with your kids. When I was sick as a child, my mom often called up her mom. My grandmother would come watch me while my mom went to work, because my mom felt that her employer needed her more at the time. “Never think that your work needs you more than your child. Because later you’ll look back and realize they didn’t need you. Your child needed you more. Someone can always replace you at work, but no one can take the place of a mother.” (Incidentally, I should point out that my mom really did make most choices with my best interests in mind. Her guilt is unfounded, because I know she did so much for me.)

She knew my grandmother was never all that happy with coming to stay with me. She thought I was hyperactive (I was a kid) and thought my mom wasn’t strict enough with me. I didn’t like her much because she was so strict and seemed to have a “suck it up” attitude far too strong to force on a young child. There was a large generation gap between us that couldn’t be crossed. But my grandmother was my mom’s only lifeline for these situations, so she called on her. I would be stuck on the couch, eating only chicken soup and drinking 7-up while my grandmother sat across the room and crocheted in silence.

Grandma also resented having to watch me because she felt her days of child-rearing were done. She had raised her three girls well: one became a leader in the business world, another got her PhD and was a professor and chief librarian at a big-name university, and the youngest, well, the youngest continued the family line with a daughter. She saw no need to be involved in my life more than absolutely necessary. Plus, no one in my family is very emotional. Stoic, reserved, cool – all can be used to describe them. Her hands-off approach led to my mom feeling very alone, and me feeling like she was someone I couldn’t relate to at all.

It was no surprise, then, when my mom informed that she planned to be a hands-on grandmother. And oh how she has! She volunteered one of her days off each week to drive 45 min. north to watch Cordy when I’m at work. She is happy to see us any chance she can get. We’ve even been lucky enough to take two working vacations, with my mom staying at our house to watch Cordelia.

It amazes me to see what aspects of our mothers we choose to embrace and which we choose to reject. My mom, while still not nearly as emotional as me, has cast off the stoic nature of generations past. She hugs Cordy, she’s animated in talking to her, and she is genuinely warm to her. Mom doesn’t see it as a burden to help care for Cordy; in truth, mom always wanted more children, and this is her way of getting to live that dream. I don’t yet know all the aspects of my mom that I will incorporate into my parenting, but my devotion to my daughter is sure to be one of them.

It seems the young can affect the older as well. My grandmother, the hands-off, uninterested matriarch, generally travels up with my mom each week to spend the day with Cordy. Yes, she actually wants to come along. She seems to really enjoy spending time with this 3rd generation descendant of hers. Of course, I have to hear lot of unwanted advice that is closer to the 1701 book than modern parenting styles, but I don’t mind the lectures in exchange for seeing her look so happy when Cordy graces her with a “dance”.

And so we have four generations, three of which are mothers, and all three of those generations have their own parenting styles. I’ll admit I look forward to seeing what Cordy will become: how she will absorb some of our traits, and how she will also discard some of her history in favor of her own ways. I think it will also be exciting to see the changes in all of us as a result of her as well.