Right before Cordelia was born, my mom and I were talking about my childhood. She told me that to this day she still feels guilty for not giving me enough of her time. After the divorce, she was a single mom, with an associates degree in laboratory technology, trying to make a living for herself and her child. She worked long hours and bad shifts (3-11pm), waiting for the day she would have more seniority and could ask for better hours.
Her advice, from one mother to her daughter, was to always take sick time to be with your kids. When I was sick as a child, my mom often called up her mom. My grandmother would come watch me while my mom went to work, because my mom felt that her employer needed her more at the time. “Never think that your work needs you more than your child. Because later you’ll look back and realize they didn’t need you. Your child needed you more. Someone can always replace you at work, but no one can take the place of a mother.” (Incidentally, I should point out that my mom really did make most choices with my best interests in mind. Her guilt is unfounded, because I know she did so much for me.)
She knew my grandmother was never all that happy with coming to stay with me. She thought I was hyperactive (I was a kid) and thought my mom wasn’t strict enough with me. I didn’t like her much because she was so strict and seemed to have a “suck it up” attitude far too strong to force on a young child. There was a large generation gap between us that couldn’t be crossed. But my grandmother was my mom’s only lifeline for these situations, so she called on her. I would be stuck on the couch, eating only chicken soup and drinking 7-up while my grandmother sat across the room and crocheted in silence.
Grandma also resented having to watch me because she felt her days of child-rearing were done. She had raised her three girls well: one became a leader in the business world, another got her PhD and was a professor and chief librarian at a big-name university, and the youngest, well, the youngest continued the family line with a daughter. She saw no need to be involved in my life more than absolutely necessary. Plus, no one in my family is very emotional. Stoic, reserved, cool – all can be used to describe them. Her hands-off approach led to my mom feeling very alone, and me feeling like she was someone I couldn’t relate to at all.
It was no surprise, then, when my mom informed that she planned to be a hands-on grandmother. And oh how she has! She volunteered one of her days off each week to drive 45 min. north to watch Cordy when I’m at work. She is happy to see us any chance she can get. We’ve even been lucky enough to take two working vacations, with my mom staying at our house to watch Cordelia.
It amazes me to see what aspects of our mothers we choose to embrace and which we choose to reject. My mom, while still not nearly as emotional as me, has cast off the stoic nature of generations past. She hugs Cordy, she’s animated in talking to her, and she is genuinely warm to her. Mom doesn’t see it as a burden to help care for Cordy; in truth, mom always wanted more children, and this is her way of getting to live that dream. I don’t yet know all the aspects of my mom that I will incorporate into my parenting, but my devotion to my daughter is sure to be one of them.
It seems the young can affect the older as well. My grandmother, the hands-off, uninterested matriarch, generally travels up with my mom each week to spend the day with Cordy. Yes, she actually wants to come along. She seems to really enjoy spending time with this 3rd generation descendant of hers. Of course, I have to hear a lot of unwanted advice that is closer to the 1701 book than modern parenting styles, but I don’t mind the lectures in exchange for seeing her look so happy when Cordy graces her with a “dance”.
And so we have four generations, three of which are mothers, and all three of those generations have their own parenting styles. I’ll admit I look forward to seeing what Cordy will become: how she will absorb some of our traits, and how she will also discard some of her history in favor of her own ways. I think it will also be exciting to see the changes in all of us as a result of her as well.
Ok that made me tear up. That’s a beautiful picture. You’re lucky to have such amazing women in your life.
I am slightly envious of your relationship with your mother. My mom and I have always been like oil and water. The birth and death of my youngest has seen to catapult us even further apart. My mother and my relationship is the yard stick I hold myself to with my daughter. If I can avoid some of the same patterns and behaviours, I will be very pleased indeed.
Nice blog, I’ll be back.
How nice that she’s still around and you can see her in a different light with your daughter. She sounds like my father’s mother, who unfortunately, isn’t around anymore, but still, this is a lovely thing!
Your mother sounds amazing, both as a mother and as a grandmother. We don’t get to pick our family, which makes it all that much more of a bonus when they turn out to be the ones we’d pick anyway.
Wow that was a beautiful post. You sound like you have an amazing mother and I am sure her amazingness (I know thats not a word) is what makes you a great mom too. Cordy is lucky to have such role models
How I envy you; four generations of women! My mom died when I was young and all grandparents are passed on, too. I always wished to have multi-generational relationships, especially for my children. I have a step-mom but it’s not the same. A beautiful post!
Wow that is amazing….It is wonderful to have so many women in your daughter’s life!!! I really enjoyed reading the history!
My great grandmother was alive until I was 20. What a blessing it is to grow up with those older generations around. Your daughter will know much love.
I am so so sorry. But I’ve been sucked into a tag vortex and I’ve elected to drag you down with me. You’re it.
That was a beautiful post! Its amazing to see what is passed down, what we change, and how different and yet so similar we all are in things like child-rearing. That picture is also priceless…
(Oh, and BTW- You are tagged
http://peanutwagon.blogspot.com/2006/04/first-things-first.html
I’m sorry!! Don’t hate me!)
Great post! You’re very fortunate to have a woman like your Mom in your life (and in Cordy’s).
I loved that picture.
This is a beautiful entry. Your writing is really lovely. So clear … I feel I can hear you speaking.
This is a beautiful entry. Your writing is really lovely. So clear … I feel I can hear you speaking.
Love it, love it, love it. I wish very, very much that my grandmother were alive – having my own version of your wonderful picture would be gold.
Its funny you know, me and Stu were talking today about how the bits we’ve learned about parenting from our parents most strongly come from those bits we DIDN’T like, kind of like we said ‘I WONT be like that’ I love that we have the strength as mothers to do this, to change the pattern and hopefully with each generation after us, they’ll do it too..nice post, thanks for the read!