A Mommy Story

Ladies –

The time has come for action. This issue has divided us for far too long, and no one on either side is happy with the results. Now is the time to unite and settle this issue once and for all.

Which issue? The “squat or sit to pee” issue, that’s what. (Did you think I was following the others on the feminism topic? Sorry, my brain is too fried to think that deep at the moment.)

First there are the squatters. You worry about germs. I get it. And so many of you choose to put those toned quadriceps to use instead of letting your prized, germ-free buns-of-steel touch the public porcelain ring.

Here’s the problem, though: women don’t have the built-in targeting device that men do. (Not that they are accurate all that often.) In fact, the female anatomy actually inhibits the ability to target, aim, and keep one continuous stream. The result is a spray of pee, some of which makes it to the target, but some of it also ends up sprinkled on the toilet seat. You remember being at the doctor’s office and having to pee in a cup, right? It never is as easy as it should be.

So, in trying to keep your ass germ-free, you’ve assisted in fowling up the seat that others must use. Are you implying that your urine is sanitary, but everyone else’s is not? A little presumptuous, don’tcha’ think?

Then there are those who sit to pee. It could be because you aren’t as worried about picking up the latest urban legend disease from the seat. Or it could be that you don’t have the upper thigh fortitude than those who squat. Or maybe you just realize that you can’t pee a straight stream, and don’t want to urinate all over the seat.

Whatever the reason, those who sit must endure the toilet roulette: will they find a wet or dry seat? Some take their chances and just sit. Others examine the seat in detail before sitting, wiping off anything they might find. A few use seat protectors, if they’re available. However, if the public bathroom is poorly lit, a wet seat can look suspiciously like a dry seat.

There is perhaps no worse feeling in the world than sitting your butt down on a toilet seat, only to feel that cool wet sensation, which is confirmed when you stand up and feel the air on your now-wet behind.

So let’s all come together on this issue. If you are a squatter with the accuracy of Dick Cheney, sit your ass down. Sitting down in someone else’s urine is about as fun as cleaning a blowout diaper. Not. fun. at. all. Worried about germs? Then Purell your booty afterwards, and don’t share your bodily fluids with the rest of us.

And for goodness sake, if you drip on the seat, take the time to wipe it off. It’s like brushing your teeth – if you’re an adult you shouldn’t need to be told to do this. It’s not an outrageous request, honest. I promise it won’t kill you.

We women need to help each other out on this issue. Have some compassion for your fellow woman, because if you don’t, the next time you leave hints of your presence sprinkled on the seat for the next woman, she may just call you out on it. Or if it’s me in a really bad mood, I might just have to grab you by your hair and drag you back into the stall to clean up your mess.

Thank you.