Ladies –
The time has come for action. This issue has divided us for far too long, and no one on either side is happy with the results. Now is the time to unite and settle this issue once and for all.
Which issue? The “squat or sit to pee” issue, that’s what. (Did you think I was following the others on the feminism topic? Sorry, my brain is too fried to think that deep at the moment.)
First there are the squatters. You worry about germs. I get it. And so many of you choose to put those toned quadriceps to use instead of letting your prized, germ-free buns-of-steel touch the public porcelain ring.
Here’s the problem, though: women don’t have the built-in targeting device that men do. (Not that they are accurate all that often.) In fact, the female anatomy actually inhibits the ability to target, aim, and keep one continuous stream. The result is a spray of pee, some of which makes it to the target, but some of it also ends up sprinkled on the toilet seat. You remember being at the doctor’s office and having to pee in a cup, right? It never is as easy as it should be.
So, in trying to keep your ass germ-free, you’ve assisted in fowling up the seat that others must use. Are you implying that your urine is sanitary, but everyone else’s is not? A little presumptuous, don’tcha’ think?
Then there are those who sit to pee. It could be because you aren’t as worried about picking up the latest urban legend disease from the seat. Or it could be that you don’t have the upper thigh fortitude than those who squat. Or maybe you just realize that you can’t pee a straight stream, and don’t want to urinate all over the seat.
Whatever the reason, those who sit must endure the toilet roulette: will they find a wet or dry seat? Some take their chances and just sit. Others examine the seat in detail before sitting, wiping off anything they might find. A few use seat protectors, if they’re available. However, if the public bathroom is poorly lit, a wet seat can look suspiciously like a dry seat.
There is perhaps no worse feeling in the world than sitting your butt down on a toilet seat, only to feel that cool wet sensation, which is confirmed when you stand up and feel the air on your now-wet behind.
So let’s all come together on this issue. If you are a squatter with the accuracy of Dick Cheney, sit your ass down. Sitting down in someone else’s urine is about as fun as cleaning a blowout diaper. Not. fun. at. all. Worried about germs? Then Purell your booty afterwards, and don’t share your bodily fluids with the rest of us.
And for goodness sake, if you drip on the seat, take the time to wipe it off. It’s like brushing your teeth – if you’re an adult you shouldn’t need to be told to do this. It’s not an outrageous request, honest. I promise it won’t kill you.
We women need to help each other out on this issue. Have some compassion for your fellow woman, because if you don’t, the next time you leave hints of your presence sprinkled on the seat for the next woman, she may just call you out on it. Or if it’s me in a really bad mood, I might just have to grab you by your hair and drag you back into the stall to clean up your mess.
Thank you.
This is very funny, Christina. I’m a sitter–and my pediatrician has confirmed that urine is sterile, so I’m going with it. I always check the seat for spray before I sit though!
Here here!!! “a squatter with the accuracy of Dick cheney.” This cracked me up. And I used to have a roommate whose cat peed in the toilet, like that picture. Totally weird.
I’m a sitter. And like you said, it’s mostly because I lack the upper thigh fortitude. Definitely.
I am a sitter because of lack of upper thigh fortitude as well.
Thank your for this great public service announcement to protect sitters everywhere from the Dick Cheney peers of the world!!
This is fantastic! I’m not kidding, I was thinking about this very thing two days ago in target as I searched for a seat that was not covered in droplets. SITTERS UNITE!
HAHAHAHA! I am so a squatter!!!!! I never sit!! But I do wipe then wash my hands so I am a good squatter!
I have this circular logic thing going…it’s like this:
If everyone thinks that the seat is dirty so they’re not going to sit on it, then it’s probably actually pretty clean, right?
But what if everyone else overthinks it the same way I do and they all assume that it’s clean and they all sit on it?
Then it’s not so clean.
I could go on and on but I think you get the picture. It could drive a girl mad, eh?
I’m a seat wiper and layer down of TP or I use a seat cover thingy. I hate hovering over the toilet.
And according to the Target staff here, the seats are wet because the toilets spray water when they are flushed. Uh yeah…nasty TOILET WATER.
Ewwww, okay?
I “heart”, you right now. I really, really do.
Btw, I’m a sitter. But I always check closely for an errant drop or two before I sit.
Thank you for addressing this issue! I used to be a squatter, and a downright accurate one at that. However, when I was big and pregnant that all went by the wayside and I became a full-fledged sitter. Now my lazy ass just enjoys the chance to sit when I can!
I agree…everyone should sit and then inspect the seat before they leave. What do you really think you’re going to catch from one drop of urine on your skin? You stand a worse chance of contracting a disease from a water fountain, for crying out loud!
I’m curious to know what prompted this discussion, were you the victim of a wet seat? It is like when a man doesn’t put the seat down. Why don’t people have common bathroom courtesy? I also find it really hard to squat, so I am a sitter and just pray that nothing befalls my actions. Funny post!
Sit at home, squat in public but when I’m drunk I just close the stall and go wherever. Fuck it! Oh wait, is that wrong?
My GOODNESS, thank you. I’m a sitter only because I KNOW that I can’t pee in a straight line. Ever. Take for example the, uhm, few?, times that I peed outside during bonfires, camping, concerts … (more than a few, obviously)… and every. single. last. damn. time. I PEED ON MY PANTS. I swear. I could have taken off my pants, thrown them over the hill. AND STILL PEED ON THEM.
I normally wipe everything down, even if it looks dry, before I go to pee. I hate the paper butt guards. Nothing like standing up with paper stuck to your ass. Reminds me of trying to get off of the table at the doctor’s office. Joy.
Loved this. 😉
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! That was beautiful. I am totally a pre-sitting inspector and wiper, THEN a sitter. But what ticks me off is that if the squatter ahead of you was really really a bad sprayer, you STILL get wet because there’s so much moisture hiding under the seat that it climbs the ass gasket and gets on your butt anyway! Or maybe that’s bowl water from the spraying toilets… either way, ICK.
On another topic, may I say, Cordelia seems to have the most adorable collection of stripey leggings I have ever seen.
Women squat over the toliet? Where have I been? Hmmm. Something new to try tomorrow at work. (I promise to wipe up if I miss.)
Oh every time I go into the bathroom at work there is pee on the seat. We even have the sign hanging on the wall about wiping the “seatie” but apparently these people can’t read.
Even worse though, and this is really gross, there is usually a pube or 2 as well.
ewwwwwwwwwww i AM JUST HEEBEY JEEBEY-ING ABOUT IT as I type!
Yay! Someone said it! I am a sitter/squatter- I COVER the seat with layers of toilet paper, and squat- but sometimes sit- But I am accurate, and on those “off” days, I do clean up after myself.
Now you have to make a post begging those women who just walk right out of the stall and out the door to PLEASE WASH YOUR GROSS HANDS! They are putting pee pee and poo poo germs on the seats!
And FYI- you CAN get pubic lice from an invested seat. So be careful! I saw it on TV today!
If I am really afraid… I am a squatter. My thighs are so flabby and out of shape that I usually grip onto the door handle to not have to make contact with the seat. Depending on the distance.. if you rest your head on the door it sometimes helps.
If I am not that afraid… I am a wiper then a sitter.
If I am petrified… I am a TP layerer/ squatter. Some of my earliest memories are me and my mother alone in a stall layering layer upon layer.
What about those paper cover things? I hate when I see the dispenser and get all excited… but they are ALWAYS empty!
Emily – Yes, this post was inspired by a personal experience on Wednesday. I went into a stall at work, checked the seat and thought all was good, then sat down. I discovered the ENTIRE seat was wet! Yuck! The lighting is poor in there, so I wasn’t able to tell.
Jenna – I’m laughing so hard at your comment of “I could have taken off my pants, thrown them over the hill. AND STILL PEED ON THEM.” Too funny.
GGC – You would be the rebel, wouldn’t you? 😉
Laura – Wow, your ritual for public peeing is elaborate! 🙂 See, I try to get out of the stall having touched as little as possible, so I won’t rest my hands on a door or the walls.
I’m a squatter! I cannot sit on a seat in a public restroom..just can’t do it and I still put toilet paper or those toilet shapes papers or whatever they are called on the seat if they are available. I know urine is sterile but there could be other germs lurking around. If at all possible, I hold it until I get home.
the Dick Cheney comment has me rolling…..
Jerri Ann
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Sitter here. Unless there is pee on the seat. Then I squat. I used to hate pee on the seat at work. I mean really, did the women I worked with think we were at a truck stop? It was the office of a Fortune 50 company where the women dressed better than some celebrities. SIT DOWN, A-HOLES, I used to think. I almost peed laughing just reading this.
Now I have to pee. Damn.
Wow. There’s more sitters out there than I thought. So why why why all the pee on the seats? Perhaps it is those stupid spraying toilets with the super duper capacity flush. What I hate are the ones with the automatic flush that somehow register that you’ve left the toilet even when you are still sitting there & proceed to scare the crap (literally) out of you. It feels like you’re going to get sucked into some evil vortex of toilet water.
Honestly, I didn’t even know that there were people who squatted, and always wondered how people managed to get pee on the seat. If I have a chance and see it soon enough, I avoid the wet toilets, if not, I wipe it down and sit while grimacing.