(Can’t wait to see the Google search hits after this post!)
With the advent of the internet, we have all sorts of information at our fingertips. Weather, news, e-mail, chat, movie times, research, porn. Wait, did I just say porn? Yes, porn. Because, as we all know, the internet is for porn.
(For those who aren’t daring, I’ll let you know that link is a song from Avenue Q, no worries of porn. For those hoping I was linking to porn – shame on you, this is a mommy blog.)
I’m amazed at the amount of porn available, though. It has to be the largest amount of content on the internet. Even innocent searches in Google can lead to porn: searching for my site brings up several “naughty mommy stories” that I don’t even want to investigate.
Now, this isn’t a post debating if porn is OK or not. I’m going to come right out and say that in my opinion, it’s OK. I know that Aaron looks at porn, and I’m generally OK with that. Hell, sometimes when I’m not up for anything, I’d rather he look at porn than bug me. I’ve even looked at porn before, and probably will again in the future.
I’d guess that porn is viewed in many married households, by one or both partners. Maybe even together. I think most porn is harmless – I’m not going to equate reading erotica with cheating. But some porn elements border on “not OK”. My question is, where is the line drawn?
There’s the very harmless nearly-porn category. This includes semi-nude pictures you’d find in Maxim, Stuff, and the Victoria’s Secret and Frederick’s of Hollywood catalogs. You can find this nearly anywhere, and there are no “You must be 18 to view this content” buttons to click past.
Next is erotica. No pictures, just stories about sex. To me, this is pretty harmless as well. There is no human element to contend with – the characters are fiction, there are no pictures to match faces to names, and no other people to interact with. As long as the stories don’t involve teenagers (which, since having a daughter, has thoroughly creeped me out), I’m generally OK with erotica.
Nude pictures and video are another step up. There is now a human element – someone has posed for those pictures, or engaged in sex to make the video. Is this OK? To me, it’s still OK. After all, we’ve both viewed porn videos together, and I’m sure he has on his own. Also, I’ll admit that I totally understand why men want to look at naked women: women are just beautiful to look at. The curve of the breasts and hips, the overall softness of the body – it’s far more appealing to view than a naked man. (Sorry guys, it’s true.) And, of course, only consenting adults are OK with us – child pornography or taping someone against their will is just plain wrong. And illegal.
The place where I draw the line is real-time human connection. There are a ton of free and pay webcams out there, where people are willing to do just about anything on them for an audience. There’s also a large community of live web chat – virtual sex. While these are perfectly OK for anyone single, I think these types of porn can be the muddy waters that can land a married person into big trouble. When you’re actually connecting with someone else on the internet for the purposes of turning each other on, you’re forming a relationship with that other person. To me, that’s starting to border on cheating.
Luckily, Aaron and I agree on what’s OK and what’s not, and I don’t see it ever becoming an issue. We know what is safe fantasy, and what’s not.
What about all of you? What are your limits on porn? Where do you draw the line, both for yourself and your partner? I know porn is a sensitive, heated topic for many (and I’m not touching the joke I just thought of after typing that), so I hope we can discuss it without judging anyone else’s responses.
After all, the internet is for porn.
For me, I don’t want my H to have to “pay” for it….if its surfing free pictures, stories or whatever I don’t care but if he actually sinks money into it it bothers me.
Also, I DO NOT want him looking into those “adult personal ads” even if its just to see naked pictures or whatever-I do not want these girls email him or trying to “hook up” because of our past history(I still don’t trust him)…
So if its free, and its ‘pretend”(no real, live girls saying “This is me, I live here and you can come get me if you want”) I don’t care.
Emily – I totally agree. I never mentioned the pay part, but I also am not OK with spending money on porn. Free is OK.
I guess I don’t blog right because I never run into the stuff. I don’t look for it and don’t find it.
My only problem is that every time they catch a pedaphile or a sex offender they always have a large pile of porn and lots of porn on their computer. I wonder if it doesn’t charge them up to go out and act. It sure doesn’t seem to stop them.
I agree with you Mama, all of it! Our line: there’s not much of one. Unless it’s the really creepy stuff (it’s not), it’s all good. I just wish he’d leave less of it hanging out of his nightstand the days the housekeeper comes over.
Thanks for coming by my site! (And I’m not just saying that because it’s Say Something Nice Day.)
Oooohhhh hot topic. I must think.
Totally agree on distinguishing ‘levels’ of erotica/porn. And on communication between partners, etc, etc.
(My site, BTW, gets many a pornish Google search hit. What with the ‘bad ladies’ and ‘bad mother’ stuff, I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised.)
Came over from Blogfathers, where I laughed out loud at your comment about training a toddler ninja girl ‘stance.’ I’m now sold on martial arts training for tiny chicas.
There was a time when porn was totally okay with me. We’re all consenting adults. What’s the harm. With the advent of internet porn being so freely available and so easily accessible with no fear of anyone seeing your car in the “dirty movie theater” parking lot, I think it has actually become problematic in many ways. I can count on TWO hands the number of women I know who honestly feel like internet porn has become a problem in their relationships and driven a wedge between them and their spouses. It amazes me how similar their stories are. It almost always involves them waking up at night and finding their husband not in bed but rather masturbating in front of a computer screen. While once might be worth overlooking, one friend of mine dealt with this scenario repeatedly. Eventually, their sex life became non-existent because her hsubands interest in porn overrode his desire to have sex with a real live person and then in turn, she, not looking at all like a porn star started to feel inadequate and unappealing. She confided these things to me over many beers one night and my heart broke for her because she also told me she was getting divorced after TWENTY years of marriage. Her hsuband admitted he had a “little” problem but refused to do anything about it. They have two young daughters, which is the most upsetting part to me. Since then, I have heard similar stories from five other women that I know. They all get together and kind of support each other because they don’t know what else to do. With kids, divorce is a last resort. they are, as I only half joking call them, “porn widows”. I know this is a really long post and I’m sorry but I wanted to elaborate fully on why I no longer think porn is harmless. Some will argue that it’s not the porn, that these men were broken to begin with and that might be true but if it wasn’t so accessible and prolific, maybe these women would have had a fighting chance.
That said, I’m glad to know that there ARE people out there who can enjoy it without it being a problem. And yes, we are nice to look at, arent we? lol 🙂
Oh, and I meant to say hi, Christina, from your blog exchange partner!
🙂 Izzy
Dutch, I think I have a new title thanks to you: rad porn watchin’ mama. That would look great on a shirt.
Mom101 – I’m pretty strict about keeping any physical evidence of porn hidden. It’s not something I want my mom to stumble across when she watches Cordelia. Porn is kept hidden, and online porn generally isn’t bookmarked – you just have to rely on memory.
2badladies – Hey, can’t beat ninja training for girls. Then you don’t have to be the nervous parent when they go on dates, because you know if the guy tries anything, they can beat the crap out of them.
Izzy, I totally understand where you’re coming from. I’ve seen other relationships hurt due to internet porn. Yes, these men are partly to blame for having obsessive personalities, but it is true that internet porn has made it easier than ever for people to get their fix. Every now and then Aaron and I have the “porn talk”, just to make sure it isn’t becoming more important than it should be.
Dr.John, the reason that they find lots of porn on pedophile’s computers is probably because if you took computers randomly from 500 men in America, 450 would have porn on them.
Christina, you are a rad porn watchin’ mama.
I think that whatever level of porn both parties are comfortable with is fine for them. And of course that differs from couple to couple. For myself, my other half LOVES the stuff. And i’m ok with it, even enjoy a little of the erotic kind myself! So far nothing has crossed the line, so i’m not quite sure where the line is for me. Definately nothing with kids, or even the ones that just look like kids. No animals, no hurting, the usual. And no sites that have REAL people on them. Not suggesting porn stars aren’t real people, but a movie or comic is one thing. Personal sites, cams, message boards – I would get a little narky at that..GREAT post by the way. I still get at least 2 hits a day on my post titled “penis extensions” from search engines, with some really strange additional words! Have fun seeing what yours turns up!
I dunno, I guess I’m in the minority, but I just think it’s ridiculous. Sure, the Maxim and Stuff magazines, these are just “guy” magazines, which I’m fine with, so what it’s no different then most of the “women” magazines out there. But Playboy, Playgirl, Hustler, etc, and porn-sites, well this is just not acceptable to me or my wife, we both seem to have the same outlook on this. Unfortunatly, the Internet does not, it constantly bombards me with this garbage. I hate that bar down the side of sites that uses your IP address to show you “pics of girls in your area”. AHHHHHHHH.
– Jon
– Daddy Detective
– http://www.daddydetective.com
Hey Christina,
This is my first time visiting your blog, and I enjoy your writing style.
As far as porn goes, my feeling is that it is OK to a certain extent as long as both partners agree. Watching erotic videos is sometimes nice as a precursor to sex with your partner, but the line has to be drawn somewhere. The web cams you spoke of are ridiculous. Those people need something to occupy their time. Child pornography and rape scenes? A whole different subject entirely. Those folks should be treated as they treated others–then shot.
Erin