A Mommy Story

Aliases: Cordelia, Cordy, Grumpy-butt, Cordy-bear, Princess Fussy Pants

Description: 16 months old, 34″ tall, 28 pounds, with blue eyes and blonde hair. Usually wearing clothing that snaps in the back or at the crotch. Shoes are velcro. May be walking funny due to needing a diaper change.

Criminal history: This ruthless toddler may be young, but she already has a long rap sheet. Past crimes include whining, several counts of battery against her parents, and two counts of biting her mother.

Note: Her strange eating habits have been well-documented. As well as a history of cannibalism, she has been known to chew on socks, cats, stuffed animals, and to attack birthday cake with the ferocity of a wild animal.

Currently wanted for: Seeking her arrest for three vicious attacks on the individual known as “daddy”. First attacked 2/5/06 around noon in the upstairs of their home. Left large bite mark along the right forearm. Bruising and teeth marks consistent with past offences and with dental records.

Later, victim was attacked on the left hand, leaving another set of bite marks along the base of the thumb. Victim states that the first bite occurred when he picked her up to take her downstairs, and the second occurred when he tried to put a coat on the criminal.

Caution: This criminal is considered armed and dangerous. Beware the teeth – she has a very strong bite! She is not afraid of biting or hitting anyone who attempts to apprehend her. Tricks will not work, as she is also willing to bite the hand that feeds her. If found, give a stern “No bite!” and return her to her parents so she can be properly confined in her crib cell.

Reward: While there is no reward for the capture of Cordy the Cannibal, any sympathy or wise words given to her parents about surviving the beginning of the period known as the “Terrible Two’s” will be accepted with their sincere gratitude.