A Mommy Story

Please excuse the ultra-down post today.

Sometimes, I miss my old self. By old self, I mean the person I was before adding “mom” to my title.

There are some things that haven’t changed. I still like the music I liked before, only now I get to hear it between Wiggles songs. Luckily, Cordy doesn’t mind listening to Evanescence – she always kicked and jammed along when I was pregnant. She isn’t as forgiving with showtunes.

I still have the same taste in movies. Nothing there has changed, although we don’t get the chance to go see movies nearly as often. Going out to a movie is a real treat now.

But I miss some of my old personality. I took more risks back then. I had more of a “don’t give a shit” attitude. I certainly wasn’t punk by any means, but I had attitude. I had a temper, too, and while it’s nothing to be proud of, I did use it to keep from being pushed around. I’m so mellow now I’m nearly dead. I look at the bright side – I’m now much more zen – but truthfully I think I just don’t care as much about issues that used to rile me up. I am the Queen of Blase.

I really miss my old body. I’ve battled my weight throughout my 20’s, and by my mid-20’s, I had made significant progress. By the time of my wedding, I was looking pretty hot. Still nowhere close to model status, but I was fit, I looked good, and I felt good. My hair was often dyed a dark red, I wore tiny shirts from Hot Topic, and enjoyed dressing up to go out to a goth dance club.

Pregnancy is not kind on the body. Not only does it stretch it to extremes and test the limits of joints and muscles, it also screws with body chemistry. My hair has changed from dry and prone to split ends to oily and flat. The color has darkened. While I have no qualms with my stretch marks, I’d really like to see the extra weight take a hike. I gained only 20 pounds during pregnancy, and most of that only at the end, but that 20 pounds decided to stick around afterwards and set up residence. I’m about as far from sexy as “Big Mama.”

I actually eat healthier than I used to, but thanks to metabolism changes, the damn weight won’t go away. I know I should exercise more and eat less, but it’s not as easy as it once was. I barely have any time to myself, thanks to my leg hugging toddler who won’t let me more than 5 feet from her. By the evening, I just want to collapse onto the couch in exhaustion. I’m so out of shape I don’t know how I could even start exercising again – I’d probably collapse.

I feel soft and squishy, and not in a good way. I want to find some of what I used to have. I’m not wanting to go back to who I was entirely (because I really do love being a mom), but I’d like to extract a little bit of the old me and put it to use with the new me. I don’t like being soft and squishy. I feel like I’m a step away from floral mumus, flip-flops, and t-shirts with my daughter’s picture silk screened on them. I wonder how Aaron is even attracted to me.

This isn’t the most cheery post, or the most organized, but I’m not looking for pity. I want to know how do other moms manage to find their old selves inside their new mommy bodies? What do you do to remind yourself that you’re not just a mom? What things do you do, just for yourself?

Give me some tips to help me find the old me.