A Mommy Story

So this morning I was in my usual routine of checking my e-mail. I delete the junk mail first, read the personal e-mails next, then read those that are weekly newsletters. Reading today’s BabyCenter newsletter, my jaw dropped to my knees and I thought I would have to wash my eyes out with bleach to erase what I saw. What could be so horrible?

This list of “truly inspired” baby names. It’s a list of real – yes, real – names that people who use BabyCenter named their kids this past year.

Some of the winners include: God’Iss, X’Zavier, Legolas, Banana (I guess they were upset Apple was taken), Zurich, Tigger, Google, and Ce’Qwoia. And those aren’t the worst, people. Read the article link to see the entire damned list.

The article actually says:

Revamp a classic name with a little punctuational flair. We dig these very creative apostrophe-enhanced spellings from 2005.

They dig them? Are they crazy?

I don’t understand this new trend with adding apostrophes to names. I rolled my eyes when C’s and K’s were interchanged, and laughed only a little with the rush of girls with names starting with “Mc” (as a person of Irish decent, I have to inform you that the prefix “Mac” or “Mc” means “son of”). When names started appearing with Y’s in places they shouldn’t be (like Iryland, Madyson, or Jennyfyr), I only made fun of them in quiet with friends.

But apostrophes? Since when did punctuation become an acceptable addition to names? Are these people plural? Will backslashes and commas be next? Or will it be question marks? I can just see kids walking around named AreYouMyDaddy? and Unique?. Perfect for those parents who like a touch of sarcasm in their children’s names.

I know some people want their children to have unique names. I’ll even admit to it: our daughter’s name, Cordelia, is certainly not one of the usual names. But at least it’s a name with a history. It’s a made-up name, but it was made up over 400 years ago by a guy named Shakespeare, and it was a common name in Victorian times. Even Anne of Green Gables wanted to be named Cordelia.

It was a derivative of “coeur du lion” – the nickname for Richard I of England (the Lionheart). Change it to a feminine form, add in the Elizabethan bad spelling, and you get Cordelia – heart of the lioness. What meaning is there behind the name Banana, other than “an elongated, yellow fruit”.

And for those with little literary background who can’t place the Shakespeare play that Cordelia is in, I will also add: no, she wasn’t named for the character on Buffy, the Vampire Slayer.

But some of these weird names are too far out there. What kind of life are these parents dooming their children to? Do you think there will ever be a President Ce’Qwoia or Chief Justice Buttercup? How can you be taken seriously as a CEO of a business with the name Cookie?

I’ve heard the argument that some kids are named a certain way to prevent them from being one of many “Jennifers” in a class in school. But I already know of teachers who are dealing with 3-4 Madison, Maddison, and Maddysen’s in their class. They’re all pronounced the same; so much for being unique.

If you want to see even more scary names, check out Baby’s Named A Bad, Bad Thing. While I don’t always agree with her assessment of some names, her commentary is certainly amusing.

All I’m saying is please, please give some thought to the future of your children when naming them. Many names may sound cute for a baby, but when they’re older, how will those names serve them in the real world?