A Mommy Story

A message to Ohio drivers on the eve of Thanksgiving:

Hi everyone. Most of you have lived in this state for more than one year, I’d guess. Therefore, you know what Ohio weather can be like, and understand that our unofficial motto is, “Ohio: Don’t like the weather? Wait 5 minutes.” So it should also come as no surprise that while Ohio celebrates all four seasons, it doesn’t necessarily throw them at us in the correct order.

Yes, it was beautiful two days ago, sunny and warm in the 50’s. But today it’s snowing. A lot. Now I know that sometimes that takes a little adjustment, but you’ve all been through this. I know you didn’t learn to drive only on clear, sunny days. Surely you can remember how to drive in the snow by the time you reach the end of your driveways.

And yet you still can’t figure it out. You still drive like idiots, causing massive backups, traffic jams, and accidents, all because of a little snow (or rain the rest of the year). I’ve noticed that you tend to fall into one of two categories:

The fraidy-cats: You’re probably the ones who used to live in the south and never saw snow before, or maybe you were raised to be scared of anything. I don’t know, but why must you drive twenty-friggin’-miles-an-hour on the highway? OK fine, 25 miles an hour if you’re right behind the salt truck. Yes, the road is slick when it’s snowing, but going that slow is actually more likely to cause an accident, since those of us who drive at reasonable speeds have to slam on our brakes to avoid running over you like a speed bump, which then makes us skid. Oh, and please, if you do speed up, don’t slam on the brakes the minute you start to go over a bridge – that just makes it worse.

The invincibles: Of course you love to drive fast – you’re either 18 and have no sense of your own mortality because you only read the Cliff Notes of The Great Gatsby in school or you’re a 40-something man driving your mid-life crisis sports car trying to prove you still have testosterone even though your hair is running for the border. I don’t care – it’s SNOWING, you idiots! Driving 80 mph and weaving in and out of traffic is a sport for a sunny summer day, not a snowstorm. And while I could care less if you want to wrap your ribs around the smashed up melted plastic bits of your steering wheel and an unsuspecting tree, I do have a husband and a daughter I want to get home to see, and if I wreck and die because of you, I will gladly spend my afterlife kicking your ass.

So, to all my fellow Ohio drivers: please drive carefully this holiday weekend. Snow does require more caution when driving, but it doesn’t mean you can’t drive at a reasonable speed. Just use your brain, people.

Happy Thanksgiving!