(Continued from part 1 and part 2)
I’d like to say everything was sunshine and rainbows after that first pill, but that’s not the way it happened. I continued taking the pills as instructed, although I quickly found there were some side effects I didn’t like. My muscles tensed up sometimes. Occasionally my heart pounded hard and my head felt like it was in a vice. I wasn’t so sure the clear thoughts were worth the physical trade-offs. But it was easier to fall asleep without all of that noise in my head.
At my next check-up, I told everything to my doctor. First, she was amazed that I could sleep while taking the medication, saying many aren’t able to sleep and she often has to prescribe a sleeping pill as well. For the other symptoms, we agreed to try cutting the dose in half to see if it helped. She also suggested trying a different medication, but due to health insurance not covering any of these drugs, I needed to stick to the cheapest option.
Cutting the dose in half did help, and after a year and a half most of the physical symptoms have vanished. What I like the most about this medication is that it’s short-acting, so I only take it when I need it. This goes a long way in helping me feel like I’m not chained for life to a drug. If I know I’m going to need focus for a task, I take it. If it’s the weekend and we’ve got nothing planned, I skip it. My doctor encouraged me to take vacations from the medication, too, so that I don’t build up a tolerance and need a higher dose later. So far it seems to be working.
Even though the first time I took the medication I experienced complete silence in my head, it hasn’t remained that way. I still have to struggle for focus every single day. Some days are worse than others, but give my brain a chance to spin off in some random direction and it’ll quickly jump on it. The medication just makes my efforts for focus a little easier, and it provides a temporary defense so I can build up greater mental discipline against the waves of sensory onslaught that threaten to drown me on a daily basis.
At the end of last year, with my doctor’s guidance, I tried to stand alone without any pharmaceutical help. It had been over a year and I thought maybe I was ready. I wasn’t ready. By the end of a week I was a disorganized mess.
The hardest part of all of this has been the mixed reactions I get when I do tell people I have ADD. Some have been genuinely supportive and wonderful. Others have nodded and listened, but I could tell they didn’t quite believe me.
And some have been outright mean, stating that there’s nothing wrong with me and I’m just looking for an easy way to cope with a mind and life like any other. These people don’t believe in attention-deficit disorder, especially not for adults. I’m just lazy, weak in mind and discipline, and either I don’t have enough to do in life to sit around and think I have ADD, or I’m too busy and would be fine if I just cut out all of this “online” stuff and stuck to work and mothering.
(As you might guess, some of these people also don’t believe much in autism and think Cordy just needs more discipline.)
I can function now. I can carry a thought from the beginning to the end without losing it halfway through. I can do my job without struggling to push past random thoughts to retrieve the knowledge I need. I can focus on a conversation with a friend. It’s awesome.
I’m also still me, just more anchored in the moment than I was before. I can still recall obscure facts rapidly, I can still think several steps ahead of what I’m currently working on, and I have yet to be told that my personality has changed in any way other than being happier with my life.
This is all a journey, and I’m continuing to find my way through it. My focus still isn’t perfect. I may not need the medication in the future, or I may try a different medication when we have health insurance again. I don’t know how it will all play out. But I’m thrilled with the progress of the past year and a half, and I’m so thankful to feel like I’m in control of my mind again.
I’ve learned that mental disorders and illnesses are simply conditions and not something to be ashamed of. Seeking out help isn’t weakness, it’s taking care of yourself, just as you would diabetes or heart disease or an infection.
It’s good to be comfortable in my own head again.
Thanks for telling your story! It’s interesting for me to hear it from an adult’s perspective – my son has ADHD and although I know he experiences things a lot differently than I do, it’s hard for me to really understand what he’s going through since he can’t vocalize it.
And it’s also funny to me that you experience some of the same criticism as an adult that children do – although, with kids, it’s always that the parents are just horrible at discipline, to easy on them, etc. It amazes me how judgemental people can be.
Good luck on this journey. I hope that you continue to share your experiences with it.
Wow, Christina–amazing story. I’m so glad you’ve found something that is working. And if I wasn’t already impressed that you aced nursing school while dealing with this challenge … Wow.
This is why I loved my adult psychopathology course; we focused on diagnoses typically thought of as “childhood” disorders (ADHD & Autism spectrum disorders) and how the disorder develops with the individual. People don’t “grow out of it” – they may learn new coping skills as they get older, but when you add something new in the mix (i.e. kids, 2 jobs, über-stress) those coping mechanisms may no longer be sufficient.
So yay you for having the insight to recognize the problem, the determination to get help for it, and the courage to share your story. You Rock!
What a great series, Christina! I’m so glad you wrote about it, and I’m so glad you seem to have found what works for you!
Thank you for sharing your story! There is not enough info out there about adults being diagnosed with ADD. My husband has been ADD since he was a kid, but just got medicated in the last couple of years and it helps him immensely in social situations. My 52 year old mom was diagnosed this year and was shocked at how calm she felt on medication.
I hope you find the right balance for you and that things continue to go well.
Congratulations Christina and thank you for sharing your story! Mental illness are just physical illnesses of the brain. Just as valid, albeit a bit trickier to treat. Thanks to former Sen. Paul Wellstone, insurance companies must pay for mental illness coverage the same as physical illness coverage. Our society has a ways to go to destigmatize mental illnesses or diseases, but we’re on the path. As far as those naysayers that think you’re “taking the easy way out of what we all have to deal with” and that “Cordy just needs more discipline”…..these are the people you don’t need anyway. I hope all continues to go well for you and your family.
Thank you for sharing. We have been trying so many different medications to help me concentrate, sleep, not freak out, shut the voices up in my head. It was nice to read someone else talk about their head being like a TV changing channels. Whenever I try to describe that to people they always just nod and pretend they understand, or think that it’s normal…it’s so hard to try so hard to explain what I’m feeling to NORMAL SANE people….I always end up feeling more frustrated and more ….hating myself at the end.